When I was in Japan, on the day I was supposed to graduate, I bought myself a little gift. They were these really cool sunnies I bought in a typically kawaii-ne yet affordable shop on an extremely posh street in Shibuya. It was not much, but it was all that I could afford, and it made me feel very happy. In fact I was feeling all great and happy and I was really enjoying myself with my fellow BPYs.
That night, we had a dinner party in the Brunei Ambassador’s residence, so since I already showered, I had a lot of free time. Instinctively, (like I could ever help myself) I went on Facebook.
Boy was that a mistake. All my friends from UBD were uploading these pictures of them having the convocation rehearsals, looking all happy, cheery and absolutely radiant! At first I was happy for them, but after a while, after the 20th photo or so, I lost the smile on my face, and I suddenly felt extremely sad and insanely jealous!
Suddenly I realised, after 4 great TESL years, I finally don’t get to attend my own Convo? I won’t have the honour of His Majesty to hand me my degree? My parents are never going to see me graduate ever? Wow. I’ll never be able to wear that black gown? FOUR YEARS is long time! I waited for this day ever since I was little and I can only imagine what it would’ve been like!
Feeling angry, and somewhat confused, I blocked all these voices in my head, and slammed my laptop shut. I felt some chest pains and I know what was coming. I know that kind of pain. They only mean one thing: TEARS.
So I quickly went out of my room, and straight to my friend’s, who was just next door. I thought maybe if I escaped and thought about something else, maybe this pain will go.
I really, really, really hate crying.
But it was too late. Under a ton of L’Oreal toiletries, a Tumi bag, many many clothes and white Sheraton sheets, I cried my heart out in front of some confused BPYs.
My dearest YL had to come and console me and it made the crying worse! I really don’t know what came over me.
I just wanted to lay down in bed and cry all night. But we had an official visit to go to. So I took a long and deep breath, and tried to look my best. One last tear dropped when I was applying lipstick, but all was well.
That night, I did not enjoy myself the way I usually would. I had to keep quiet, or I’d just start crying again. That wouldn’t be pretty would it?
I’ve never really talked about what happened, except for that brief paragraph I had a few posts ago.
Now, fast forward to January, I’ve just realised that I am apparently still touchy about my The Graduation Day That I Missed. I just saw pictures from my fellow TESLer’s blog, in particular this one, and I became insanely jealous.
I mean, I don’t regret going on the SSEAYP program, the reason why I missed the Convocation in the first place. After all, I was serving the nation’s noble purpose. I went in the name of Bruneiku tercinta.
But f**k it ten times infinity!
Today, I want to forget all this country shit and let me selfishly declare: I WANT CONVOCATION!!!!! I want I want I want!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!