I don’t like

When I was in Japan, on the day I was supposed to graduate, I bought myself a little gift. They were these really cool sunnies I bought in a typically kawaii-ne yet affordable shop on an extremely posh street in Shibuya. It was not much, but it was all that I could afford, and it made me feel very happy. In fact I was feeling all great and happy and I was really enjoying myself with my fellow BPYs.

That night, we had a dinner party in the Brunei Ambassador’s residence, so since I already showered, I had a lot of free time. Instinctively, (like I could ever help myself) I went on Facebook.

Boy was that a mistake. All my friends from UBD were uploading these pictures of them having the convocation rehearsals, looking all happy, cheery and absolutely radiant! At first I was happy for them, but after a while, after the 20th photo or so, I lost the smile on my face, and I suddenly felt extremely sad and insanely jealous!

Suddenly I realised, after 4 great TESL years, I finally don’t get to attend my own Convo? I won’t have the honour of His Majesty to hand me my degree? My parents are never going to see me graduate ever? Wow. I’ll never be able to wear that blackΒ  gown? FOUR YEARS is long time! I waited for this day ever since I was little and I can only imagine what it would’ve been like!

Feeling angry, and somewhat confused, I blocked all these voices in my head, and slammed my laptop shut. I felt some chest pains and I know what was coming. I know that kind of pain. They only mean one thing: TEARS.

So I quickly went out of my room, and straight to my friend’s, who was just next door. I thought maybe if I escaped and thought about something else, maybe this pain will go.

I really, really, really hate crying.

But it was too late. Under a ton of L’Oreal toiletries, a Tumi bag, many many clothes and white Sheraton sheets, I cried my heart out in front of some confused BPYs.

My dearest YL had to come and console me and it made the crying worse! I really don’t know what came over me.

I just wanted to lay down in bed and cry all night. But we had an official visit to go to. So I took a long and deep breath, and tried to look my best. One last tear dropped when I was applying lipstick, but all was well.

That night, I did not enjoy myself the way I usually would. I had to keep quiet, or I’d just start crying again. That wouldn’t be pretty would it?

I’ve never really talked about what happened, except for that brief paragraph I had a few posts ago.

Now, fast forward to January, I’ve just realised that I am apparently still touchy about my The Graduation Day That I Missed. I just saw pictures from my fellow TESLer’s blog, in particular this one, and I became insanely jealous.

I mean, I don’t regret going on the SSEAYP program, the reason why I missed the Convocation in the first place. After all, I was serving the nation’s noble purpose. I went in the name of Bruneiku tercinta.

But f**k it ten times infinity!

Today, I want to forget all this country shit and let me selfishly declare: I WANT CONVOCATION!!!!! I want I want I want!!!!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

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10 Comments

  1. same thoughts over here love. i cried as much as i cried during takbir 1st day raya.

    i love that picture. in fact, i tagged myself in it. hah.

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  2. Aww. I couldn’t imagine how it would be like to miss a graduation. But you had to choose between two good things, no?

    And what is all this crying? The Maurina I know does not cry! Not even in P.S.: I Love You where Atul was sobbing and I had tears roll down these chubby cheeks for the second time watching! πŸ˜‰

    It’s OK. Maybe you’ll get your convocation for your Masters. πŸ˜€

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  3. ohhhh thats heartbreaking on how you had to miss your graduation hun.. but scarifices had to be made, and you cant regret these things xxx and insyallah yes, masa masters nanti you will get to wear that BLACK ROBE!! if it makes u feel any better, orang UK, masa graduate, all we do is shake some dudes hand. no scrolls no bowing in front of royalty, nothing =p xxxx

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  4. Tina: PSILOVEU was ficton! LOL. πŸ˜› Shaddap, I’m really touchy nowadays. Hahaha. A Masters degree is a maybe. Enough of school for now, I want to study for once, in the UNIVERSITY OF LIFE.

    Fae: Shaking some dude’s hand sounds lovely. With your parents watching… So proud 😦 Makes me sad know? I guess I’m also sad because I realised that Ive wanted this eversince i was a little girl. Many things were not certain bck then but I was SURE AS HELL that I was going to graduate. But ah well, things happen for a reason. πŸ™‚ No problem. Just a bit resentful, but i am redha. hehehe.

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  5. Hahaha I think u were in your room (as usual) with Michelle.. By the time I saw you I pretty much composed myself. Hehehehe. But yea, can you imagine, I was sobbing and actually crying!

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  6. Mau, join convo this year, if dpt. Hehe… I’m joining this year’s convo.

    Though, truth to be told, I felt the same way as you last year. Menangis ku kali ah, sampai dlm gambar convo my mum, mataku bangkak.

    Baik jua masa family photo session where everyone wear the robes (I managed to borrow my senior’s robes), my cousin nda ingat where he placed his sijil, so nobody held their sijils when ambil gambar.

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